


mightier than the sword

by orphan_account



Series: the marks we make [2]
Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, M/M, Marks AU, Soulmate AU, Stress, Suicidal Tendencies, cutting withdrawals, it's not soft hours anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 22:17:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21126152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: in which there is more than one way to make the marks.





	mightier than the sword

It was almost laughable how little Hangyul knew about the links, despite having used them for nearly 12 years now. It was funny how pen ink disappeared after 10-12 hours, depending on the ink composition, but scars of blood stayed for weeks at a time. Scars that chilled you every time you look at it, that taunt you for not being able to stop it. For being a worthless soulmate.

At first Seungyoun would tell him it was a cat scratch, that he wasn’t being careful, that it wouldn’t happen again. That was months ago. When they’re in public, Seungyoun puts on the mask of a smile, a magic mask that makes everything alright, that hides all the pain from view and seals it from escape.

But it’s only a mask.

Hangyul can still remember how almost 10 years ago, when Seungyoun finally got back from school in Manila and came to South Korea, he had the biggest smile and gave Hangyul the biggest hug. They went out to the parks, got candy, and it was a genuinely happy time. But most of all, Hangyul remembers hearing Seungyoun’s laugh for the first time, seeming to heal the soul in its own contagious way. Hangyul could always go to Seungyoun when he felt down, and Seungyoun would always be there for him.

Even the healers get sick, though.

Hangyul had only just gotten home from his vocal training and had just turned on the light. There were small, grey lines, and although they were small, they formed a crowd. Hangyul sat down and looked at them closer. There were a few that seemed to have recently appeared, but the most worrying part was that they were thicker than the other lines. And that only meant they were deeper.

Hangyul fished out his phone from his bag. Seungyoun was the first number to pop up in the messaging app, but it was full of what seemed to be an extreme case of deja vu.

_“Do you need anything? Food?”_

_“Nope”_

_“It’s going to be pouring really bad tonight, do you want me to come over?”_

_“No”_

_“Seungyoun, I’m really worried. Are they treating you okay at YueHua?”_

_“I’m at Jimin’s right now. I’m fine. What about you?”_

Every time Hangyul tried to help, it never worked. Seungyoun always either pushed him away or avoided the subject. Was Hangyul doing something wrong? Was he being too pushy? Would it be better to give him some space?

Hangyul pushed these thoughts away suddenly as he started typing. They hadn’t talked in two weeks, but this time he wasn’t taking no for an answer. He had some leftovers from yesterday’s dinner, he could use it as a peace offering. Either way, he was getting to Seungyoun.

_“Are you home?”_

A minute or two later, a short _“Yes”_ appeared.

_“I’ll be there in 15 minutes”_

Hangyul put his shoes back on and stepped out the door. The entire time, he didn’t notice the new scar that had appeared.

-

The X-Acto knife seemed to be some sort of lord to Seungyoun. Just by pressing it on skin, all his worries seemed to go away. Somehow, it was able to pinpoint is focus to one thing instead of losing himself to his poisoning thoughts. A mighty knife, how could one thing have so much power?

He twirled it around a bit, the world seeming to move on without him as he distracted himself with this small object. If he wanted, he could use this thing to really end it all. Rather than having it as a small pill that gave him a few hours of relief, he could have it work forever. All he had to do was use more force.

The piercing buzz of his phone on the desk scared him and he dropped the knife in panic, landing it on his arm but only making a small cut. He looked at the screen quickly. It was Hangyul.

If only Hangyul wasn’t the way he was. Seungyoun already knew he was worthless at being a soulmate, he was making Hangyul worry about him and put it on himself when it was Seungyoun’s fault the whole time. He was supposed to make others smile, but yet every time he saw Hangyul, his brows were furrowed together in worry.

What a failure he was.

_“Are you home?”_

Seungyoun already knew that this was Hangyul trying to help him. He knew that Hangyul shouldn’t have to do it, he knew that he was better off by himself.

Yet why did he type back _“Yes”_?

Almost instantly, Hangyul typed back that he would be coming over in 15 minutes.

Oh no.

Seungyoun looked around. The place was a mess. For the entire 15 minutes he ran around trying to make things less messy and appearing to be all in order, surprised once more by the sound of the bell when Hangyul arrived at the apartment.

Seungyoun rushed to open the door. Hangyul was dressed in casual wear, a hoodie and sweatpants. This made Seungyoun feel a little better since he wasn’t dressed any better.

“I brought food,” Hangyul said for a greeting.

“Oh, uh, thank you.” Seungyoun had only just realized that he had forgotten to make something for dinner. This was surprisingly convenient.

Seungyoun stepped back to let Hangyul in, the younger placing the bag of food on the kitchen counter and proceeding to take a seat.

At his desk.

As Hangyul muttered about how comfy the seat was, Seungyoun internally panicked realizing he hadn’t put away the knife. It was at the edge of the table, but the apartment was poorly lit so he hoped Hangyul wouldn’t see it. He was facing away from it anyway.

Seungyoun leaned against a wall awkwardly. “What brings you here?”

“Oh nothing, I just..”

They both looked down in silence. Since when was it this awkward between them?

“Seungyoun, I..” Hangyul started in a deep, hoarse voice. “I just wanted to make sure you’re doing okay.”

“What? I’m fine, it’s going great, and I-”

“You wanna sit down, hyung?”

Seungyoun found himself without words, a surprise even for himself. Hangyul hardly ever called him hyung. He slowly walked over to the nearby sofa, facing Hangyul nervously. He hardly noticed it, but his arms had started to tense up.

“Are you really sure you’re okay, Seungyoun?” Hangyul continued. “I know it’s been hard with all the stuff going on with Uniq’s promotions, and you’re trying to make it out there by yourself.”

“I’m fine, Hangyul.” Seungyoun added a chuckle into the lie. “It’s going great, Nathan and Jimin are really nice.”

“That can’t be true.”

“What do you m-”

Hangyul pointed to the knife on the desk.

_He knew._

“How did-”

What happened next cut Seungyoun off of his sentence. Hangyul rolled up his sleeves. And on it was every single scar that Seungyoun had on his arms as well. But how? Didn’t it only work with ink? Suddenly Seungyoun had a memory from his childhood, when Hangyul fell off his bike and had a gash on his knee. Seungyoun saw the same gash on his own leg for weeks, uncomfortably gray from the link and filling him with pain every time he saw it. Did that mean that Hangyul was having the exact same pain for every cut he made?

He knew it. He was a terrible person to Hangyul. All this time he didn’t even consider the other side of his link, he was so selfish, he-

His thought train was interrupted by Hangyul getting up and walking towards the sofa, proceeding to sit down gently.

“Hyung, you know that you can always talk to me or anybody else.”

“I know but I-” Seungyoun swallowed as he tried to get the words for it out. “I don’t want to bring anybody else down with the ways I’m flawed.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, I just, I just think that this is something that I can do by myself, and you guys all have your own problems in life, and I don’t want to bother you guys. That’s all.”

Hangyul crept his hand closer to Seungyoun’s. “You’re not bothering us.”

“I am though! I’m the one that makes everybody happy and I gotta do stuff for work and keep friends and I gotta do it all and I just…”

Without warning, tears started spilling out of his eyes and Seungyoun started hiccuping on his words. Hangyul took his hand and pulled him closer, Seungyoun’s head resting on Hangyul’s chest.

“… I can’t.”

Salty tears started to soak Hangyul’s hoodie. “If I fail to do these simple things I’m made to do, wouldn’t it be worth it if I just disappeared? Nothing would change, right?”

“You’re wrong.” Hangyul pushed him up so that their eyes met. “Who told you that you had to be there for everybody?”

Seungyoun looked down. “I don’t know.”

“And how are you going to be there for other people when you can’t be there for yourself?”

The tears kept coming. Why? He held it in all this time, why was he breaking down now?

“Seungyoun, you were here for me when I needed it. And now it’s my turn to be there for you when you do.” He pulled out Seungyoun’s right hand next to his. “Until every line goes away, and even after that, I’m going to be there for you.”

Seungyoun pulled his hand back. “I know that. I know that you’ll be there for me.” He started scratching on his arms. “But there’s no point, there’s nothing for me anymore. I can’t see my future anymore.”

Hangyul immediately pulled Seungyoun’s hands away from each other. “Stop that.”

It took Seungyoun by surprise, but even after his hands were trembling. He needed to do it. He had to cut. Hangyul needed to let him. “Hangyul, please-”

“I can see my future, Seungyoun.” Hangyul said, pressing Seungyoun’s hands to his sides. “And I see it with you. I want to stay with you, I want to laugh with you, forever.”

_He’s lying. This is what they all say._

“Let go of me,” Seungyoun said, getting up and moving towards the desk. But Hangyul was stronger. The second Seungyoun got up, Hangyul walked him in the opposite direction so that he was pinned immobile to the wall.

“Hangyul, I-”

“You can’t do it!” Hangyul said, his eyes shut from pushing against Seungyoun’s force.

“LET ME!” Seungyoun screamed. “I’M NOT WORTH IT ANYWAY, IT’S THE ONLY WAY! I’LL DIE AND YOU CAN KEEP LIVING!”

Something cracked within Seungyoun, and he stopped his rage. His tone went down.

“So you can be happy.”

Seungyoun sank to the floor in defeat, pulling Hangyul with him and resting his head in defeat.

“It’s for the better, anyways.” Seungyoun whispered, his body shaking with sobs.

“It’s not,” Hangyul said, pulling Seungyoun closer to him as he cried. “It’s not.”

A few minutes passed, Seungyoun letting out everything he had been holding back for, what, years? He couldn’t remember the last time he was truly able to let himself fall like this.

“Hi,” Hangyul whispered. “My name’s Hangyul, what’s yours?”

Seungyoun sniffed. “Seungyoun.” He laughed through a sob from the memory. “Sorry if my Korean’s a bit bad, I’m a bit out of practice.”

“I already know you, Seungyoun,” Hangyul said, leaning into his shoulder. “But I want to know more. I want to learn through the years, and to teach you things about me. But it’s only when you’re here that I can do that.”

He leaned back a bit so he could look at Seungyoun. “How about we make a new mark?”

Seungyoun nodded. It’s not like he had any choice.

They both got up and walked to the desk, Hangyul pulling Seungyoun along. The knife was still there, taunting Seungyoun for attention. Hangyul reached, but took a pen that was right next to it.

He looked at the pen for a bit. “Funny, I used the same pen when I first contacted you.” Hangyul uncapped it and rolled up Seungyoun’s sleeves. There were still scars that had yet to heal, but there was a spot big enough for what Hangyul wanted to do.

He drew a small circle and put a face on it. A sad face. “This is you right now. You’re sad, aren’t you?” Seungyoun nodded as Hangyul drew another face. This one was bright and happy. “But you still have happiness inside you.” He drew a tiny plus sign between them. “You have sadness and happiness inside you, but right now you’re only using the sadness. But you have to always know, there’s still happiness.” He looked up. “There’s still hope.” He showed his arm, a matching set of faces magically appearing. “We’re soulmates, life bound us together anyways. So we’re going to look out for each other. We’ll keep going, together.”

Seungyoun looked down at the drawings. All his scars went the same horizontal way, but these two circles went past it, they fought against it. Seungyoun chuckled at the childish drawing.

Maybe he could fight it too.

Hangyul pulled the sleeve back down. “Are you hungry?”

Seungyoun nodded. “I’m starving.”

“Then let’s eat.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in one go when I was going through something, I'm sorry if it's bad. I bet you weren’t expecting this twist to part one. I'm sorry the twist is so bad. At least the first part was somewhat enjoyable.
> 
> Please note that while I have had my depressive episodes, I have never cut myself. This is based off of the experiences of my peers and my assumptions based on my experiences. If you have an addiction to cutting or feel suicidal in any way, please reach out. People want to help and they will if you allow them to. You are not alone in this. Please stay safe.
> 
> This is on the "Mature" tag for the cutting, but if you feel like it can fall under Teen and be taken off of Graphic Depiction of Violence, please tell me. I don't know how the ratings work. Also tell me if it is better to be of a higher tag, like "Explicit."
> 
> This is also on my tumblr, have this link! https://tinyurl.com/yyq5bcwe
> 
> Please leave comments about how it was, I favor them more because I learn from them and genuinely want to know your opinion. or you could just leave kudos and yeet out ig
> 
> There will be a final part to this series in the future.


End file.
